What's Up With That?

by Tom Kuzeja - February 1, 2000

What's Up With That?

Chuckleheads

First off, did you see the Super Bowl? Pretty good game after all, huh? But most of the commercials stunk... at least I thought so. Compared to commercials of the past, which new one really stood out? So, Super Bowl good, commercials bad... What's Up With That?

So now that I am a Rt. 128 commuter, I have some comments and suggestions. First off, what's with this notion of traveling in the breakdown lane during rush hour. During the rush hour commute, automobiles are allowed to travel in the breakdown lane. Now I was taught that on a highway, as you work from the leftmost lane to the rightmost lane, traffic moves slower. But now you pull this breakdown travel into play and that theory is shot. You got your Rhode Island commuters whipping down that lane like F-14s being catapulted off the USS Enterprise aircraft carrier. It's always exciting when you plan to do something totally crazy and outrageous like, oh I don't know, making a right-hand turn onto an exit ramp. You got some whacked out Rhode Island maniac cruising down the breakdown lane, you're about to exit and blammo! Shredded sheet metal and body parts salad. It's not pretty and worst of all, it really slows down my commute. Rhode Island people... stay outta the breakdown lane, okay?

I got me a digital cell phone now. Yeah, this thing is so cool especially how it probably cooks my brain with digital efficiency and accuracy instead of my lower frequency slow cook analog crock pot cell phone. No, with this digital baby I track who has called me, which calls I've missed, who I've called and what percentage of my brain is damaged due to ultra high frequency scary spy satellite GPS positioning cell phone service. But hey, it's got a built in blackjack game. How can you beat that.? God forbid I'm broken down someday in the breakdown lane making a call to AAA.

"Hello AAA?"
"Yes sir."
"Um, I'm in the breakdown lane here on Rt. 128..."
"Sir, do you realize this is the rush hour commute?"
"Yeah... well anyway, I have this flat tire... and... um... hey, would you look at that?"
"What's that sir?"
"Oh I'm just looking in my rearview mirror and that tiny car is really getting big pretty quickly..."
"Sir, that's probably someone from Rhode Island. For the love of all things sacred, get out of your car! Sir, LITERALLY get out of your car!"

When I used to work in the supermarket and someone dropped something like a jar of pickles or some tomato sauce, we used to get on the intercom and call out "Clean up, Aisle 5... bring a mop." I swear that's what the Massachusetts State Police should do. They should just watch all these chuckleheads in traffic until the inevitable collision occurs and then call for a cleanup... "Cleanup, Exit 54... bring a mop."

All in all, the commute hasn't been too bad. I mean 2.5 hours in a snow storm ain't that great but aside from that, it's been pretty tolerable. But it would be much better if we could clear out these Rhode Island commuters. I think they drive crazy because they have this Smallest State inferiority complex. I've suggested a new state motto to combat that problem: "Rhode Island... Hey, it's not the size of the state that matters, it's the motion of the ocean... and we're the Ocean State, Baby!"

Yeah, they'll need a bigger license plate.

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