What's Up With That?

I'm proud to say that my readership has doubled with the addition of the three gentlemen on death row in Walpole State Prison with limited internet access.  Welcome aboard guys...and no, I cannot meet your request of posting a picture of myself wearing only a license plate around my neck.

And speaking of "Welcome aboard", I'd like to tell you the story of Mandy.   Recently I flew down to Norfolk, Virginia on business.  I had to fly into Dulles and then take a puddle jumper over to Norfolk.  Mandy was the flight attendant on the small twin engine aircraft that would complete the most bizarre journey I have ever been on.

Mandy looked too young to be old and too old to be young. What I mean by that is she looked like she wanted to be someplace where she hadn't yet gotten.  (Aren't you glad I clarified that for you?)

Mandy welcomed all seven of us onboard and directed us to take our seats.  She moved passengers around to adjust the weight distribution.  Finally, when we were ready to take off, Mandy began the FAA-mandated flight safety monologue.  She used the intercom although we could all hear her perfectly well without it. I was embarrassed for her so I paid extra attention to her as she spoke thinking that that would somehow validate this silly ritual. Then I was amazed by what I saw: Mandy actually placed the elastic band of the oxygen mask over her head AND she tightened the elastic bands potentially messing up her hair. But my amazement didn't end there.

We took off and were buffeted about by the wind.  Mandy made her way though the cabin to hand out biscuits and drinks.  At one point, she announced it was time for our in-flight meal, a freshly tossed salad.  I was working on a freshly tossed salad of my own.  Anyway, after she hung up the intercom, she checked to see that we were all safely buckled in. Then the pilot lurched the aircraft downward and we descended to some lower altitude.  Meanwhile, Mandy was busy donning a plastic looking apron and a plastic face shield.  She latched herself to the airplane with a safety harness. Then, to all our amazement, she opened the cabin door to the aircraft.  She grabbed a huge aluminum bowl and began chucking whole heads of lettuce, cucumbers, onions, peppers, carrots and tomatoes at the spinning turbo prop blades. She was repeatedly pelted with smashed and shredded produce which she skillfully caught in the bowl.  After about five minutes of this, she sealed the cabin door, scraped off her face shield and apron, and served us our freshly prepared salads on clean plates.

I had a chance to chat with Mandy before we landed.  She was a pretty young woman with straight blonde hair, little makeup, a crooked front tooth. She was personable and made eye contact with everyone. Yet, there was a look of sadness in her eyes.  It seems the puddle jumper routes are reserved for the up-and-comers and the down-and-outers in the flight attendance industry.  In either case, you have about two or three years to make your mark and get promoted to the big leagues or you end up stuck in the minors.   Mandy had big league dreams but she was nearing the end of her term.

She told me that she was saving all her pennies for her "Mandy Makeover" fund.  As she spoke of the capped teeth, big poofy hair, heavy perfume and makeup, and breast implants that awaited her, I could see a sparkle in her eyes.  She also spoke of the flight attendant greats, the incomparable Eunice Primrose, the always articulate Lance Eaton, the queen of the beverage cart, Karen Weldstein, and the living legend of first class, Eileen Lockheart. Mandy recalled meeting Ms. Lockheart once. "She looked right through me as she handed me my peanuts" Mandy said. "It was then I knew what I wanted to do with my life."

And as Mandy prepared the cabin for arrival, she turned to me with a sad look. "I have dream" she said. "Someday, I'll be in a cabin so big, that I won't hit both sides of the fuselage as I point out the rear exits." Then a single teardrop fell from her cheek onto my shoulder. She promptly issued me a dry cleaning coupon.