What's Up With That?

by Tom Kuzeja - March 24, 1999

What's Up With That?

Lemmings

Recently I read an article that described how a major automobile/tank/giant dump truck manufacturer recently announced that they were about to build the World's largest Sport Utility Vehicle. I was able recently to use my charm and influence to secure a test ride in this colossal beast named the Megaego. Those Latin scholars out there will recognize the origin of the word Megaego... Mega for "Really, really, really" and ego for "Pompous and big headed". If you ask me, this vehicle is appropriately named. The extremely alert reader will also recognize the ancient Swahili translation of the word Megaego as "one who is a danger to everyone and everything else on the road because of extra weight, extra momentum and insufficient breaking power not to mention way too much gasoline that will explode on impact after it drives over five or six vehicles in front of it much like the monster truck Big Foot does on the TNN Monster Truck commercials." I know this in an accurate Swahili translation because I recall an episode from the original Star Trek series where Lt. Uhura says "Oh, megaego!" and Spock translates it for Bones who then berates Spock for being so damn smart.

When I was growing up, my folks would talk me out of mimicking the bad behavior of other kids in the neighborhood by saying "if they all jumped off a bridge, would you?" In addition, oddly enough, to being the Egyptian hieroglyphic translation of the word Megaego, this phrase was also sound advice. I learned I could be an individual by making my own choices, not by watching what everyone else was doing and following them. Nevertheless, a large number of Americans out there feel they have to do what everyone else does and then some. That's why lots of Americans want to have a bigger and "better" Sport Ute. My two brothers and I seemed to fit fine in a Dodge Dart when we were growing up. Apparently today you gotta have a vehicle with its own time zone.

Megaego... for the really, really, really pompous and big headed

I'm getting off track here. When I first saw the Megaego I felt like I was on the set of Disney's Honey, I Shrunk The Kids. As you notice in the photo on the right, this vehicle is so big, it was impossible to keep the whole thing in focus. You enter the vehicle from the rear tailgate escalator or if you have the Yul Brenner Edition, you can use the optional leather body hoist. The driver sees a wide variety of gauges similar to that of a Boeing 747. Once the 15,000cc forty-seven cylinder engine is fired up, you'll need to immediately refuel. Having done that, you can set off on your way. The gas tank holds a mere 1500 gallons of gas that extends the cruising range of this beast to 300 miles on a single tank.

Spacious and highly complicated, the Megaego interior is for the sophisticated entusiast only.

For additional bragging rights, there's a programmable LCD display on the tailgate that continuously displays (for the driver behind you) messages like "I Paid 25% OVER List Price", "I'm Only Getting 10 Gallons to the Mile", "I'm Talking on my Four Line Digital Cell Phone Right Now" and "Hey, I'm producing Twice as Much Smog as You Are".

This thing runs great. It's stopping that's a problem. Not for the Sport Ute enthusiast though who is very used to a 3000-foot stopping distance from 65 MPH. You won't see an "I Break For Animals" bumper sticker on a Sport Ute... they don't break for shit. They don't need to; they simply run over what's in front of them. Don't you see? That's what makes them so safe!

I've wondered why every single police vehicle in this country isn't a Sport Utility Vehicle. If they're so safe, maneuverable and versatile I would have guessed that the Cops would have been using them for years. Oh well, I guess John and Jane Q. Yuppy know better.

Now if you want safe and maneuverable, give me a NASCAR Winston Cup stock car. These babies crash into walls at 185 MPH and the drivers walk away. I'll take that 750 HP ride any day. And, NASCAR has the right idea regarding showmanship as well. Sponsors place decals all over the car. "The Mr. and Ms. I'm Hot Stuff" types could stick bragging decals on their Sport Utes that tell everyone just how wonderful they are... and not just about their vehicle, but about their homes and all their wonderful possessions. I could see colorful "We have Corian Countertops", "My Garage had a Lincoln Copper Roof", and "Iva Italian Marble Foyer" stickers on the front bumper of Sport Utes valet parked at some posh mall.

And so it goes. Unless we suffer from some sort of gas crunch, these beasts will only get bigger. Indeed, they may even become more popular if gas is harder to buy; a gas guzzler then would be the ultimate bragging right. If bigger is better as far as image conscious folks go, I suspect that someday this philosophy will migrate from material possessions to physical appearances. Not too long from now the most popular guy at a cocktail party could be enjoying a conversation like: "Hello, Xavier. Might I say that your nose is incredibly huge? Mammoth. And your wife... that has to be the biggest pumpkin head I've ever seen. Her ass is huge too. And I understand your kids have gigantic ears. Xavier, you are one lucky guy!"

Favorite Issues From The Past