What's Up With That?

by Tom Kuzeja - April 15, 1999

What's Up With That?

Be Y2K Compliant

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of '99: Be Y2K Compliant.

If you take no other advice from me, and you shouldn't for I am truly a bonehead, just remember to express your dates in the century format. You are the Class of 1999. If you don't do this, you may crash and people will curse at you.

Use common sense. If your dentist has installed stirrups on his dental chair, leave. Leave, no matter how badly he says he needs to fill your cavities. If you wear dentures, run, do not walk, out the nearest exit. Dentists don't need stirrups.

Be kind to people. You may never know when you might need to hit them up for a loan... or rely on them as character witnesses. Never wipe the sweat off your brow with a piece of toast. It will scratch you. Use un-toasted bread instead... preferably with peanut butter on it.

Turn your head, THEN cough. Don't try doing these two things simultaneously. You could tear or pull something. Then you'll need surgery. And you'll be kicking yourself when you're on the table thinking "Damn, if I had only turned and THEN coughed!"

Never call anyone a loser. Instead, make the "L" sign with your hand and flash it at them when they aren't looking. If you must say something to them, put your "deer in the headlights" face on while they babble away, then roll your eyes into the back of your head and say "Whatever". Know that the "Whatever" kiss off is the polite way of saying "Bite Me".

Climb a tree. But don't climb Pine trees. The sap will get on you and you will be sticky. No one likes a sticky person. Except maybe Madonna.

Never read a fashion magazine. Simply do what I do and just look at all the pictures. Always remember that you are not as fat as you think you are. You're not as smart as you think you are either. In fact, you're more fat than you are smart. Use this fact to comfort you. And then have another piece of cake.

Be honest. Tell the truth. If you can't do this, wear your underwear on your head and let everyone know up front what an incredibly stupid ass you are so that no one will waste their time trusting you. Then think in your loneliness, "Gee, it's probably easier to be honest".

Never call a priest "Pappy". Only the Pope may do that. And believe me, he does. Never drink hot motor oil. If you must drink it, wait for it to cool down first but don't be fooled, it doesn't taste like chocolate milk. It tastes more like thick burnt baby oil.

All these things are true, but above all, be Y2K compliant. Always use the century format even though it won't matter much after the missiles start flying.

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