What's Up With That?

by Tom Kuzeja - May 17, 1999

What's Up With That?

And now, the end is near...

Ladies and Gentlemen, just when the Y2K fears were starting to subside, let me share with you some of my paranoid insight as to why I think Y2K may mean Y2-KABOOM!

First off, what's with this Ford Excursion sport utility vehicle coming out. It's going to be 20 feet long and 7 feet tall. Ford is all proud that it will still fit in your garage. There's also proud of some new anti-crush-and-maim bar they've added to the front bumper. Please, please, please tell me... who the hell needs this thing? "Oh honey, I'm gonna zip down to CVS for some Altoids. I think I'll cut through the freaking Rocky mountain pass instead of taking those cute little paved roads you use." Yeah, right.

Now that Mercedes, Lexus, Infinity, Acura, and Cadillac all have their sport utes, can BMW and Jaguar be far behind? And how far off will Porsche and Ferrari SUVs be? I can see some image-conscious yuppie driving his Porsche 999 Fernblaster into his three car garage. These manufacturers are going to have to differentiate themselves from each other. I bet Porsche and Ferrari will include free breast implants and tummy tucks with every purchase.

And speaking of breast implants, what's the deal with 16 year olds getting implants? Yeah, that's the best self-esteem message a parent can convey to their child. "You're right, honey, you aren't very attractive like this. Let's get you some big boobs for instant attention and approval." Yes, these same parents may be sitting on a trial jury someday. Jeez, why don't we just include a couple of breast implants with every box of Frosted Sugar Pops. "Introducing new Saline Barbie. Wow, look how her boobs bounce!" If you're gonna get the boobs, might as well make them look real and not like two <pick one of the following: baseballs, softballs, soccer balls, beach balls> sewn under the skin.

We've got a dental plan at work that pretty much covers lead fillings and that's it. I'm sorry, that's not quite fair. They cover a cleaning as well but it can only be a cleaning using one of those power washers from Home Depot. Talk about rinse and spit. If your dentist considers using something non-toxic to fill your cavities with, I think the plan covers about 1.245% of the cost. Hey, I think that's pretty generous considering I only pay about $22,000 out of my pay check for the plan.

What does it take to be a family physician nowadays? And why do you always have to strip to your underwear for everything? I think the nurses are just so bored that they don't even know or care what they are saying. They take a preliminary and then just follow the script.
"Why are you here today, Mr. Kuzeja?"
"I was concerned about a cut on my big toe."
"Alrighty then, if you would just strip down to your underwear, give us a urine sample, some blood, some saliva, the doctor will be in with your barium enema. Did you want some breast implants today?"

What's up with folks who attend these Jerry Springer-like talk shows? I mean, c'mon people. Have a little more common sense. Hell, have a little more teeth. I'll never be on one of those shows. I don't want to hear about how my best friend got naked, covered himself with peanut butter and then went out to play with the squirrels. No thanks. I don't need to know that.

These insane examples are but the tip of the iceberg. Let's face it... we're looking at the fall of the Roman empire here. It's out of control and I don't think anything can stop it. So climb into your Ferrari SUV, buckle that seat belt over your breast implants and head 'em on out to high ground! Bring some flares in case you see an Ark float by.

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