What's Up With That?

by Tom Kuzeja - June 22, 1999

What's Up With That?

My Teeth Hurt

Ever since I had some recent dental work done, I have been obsessing about this constant ache in my mouth. Not only is it in my mouth, but it radiates up and down my head on my left side, the side the work was performed on. From my scalp to my throat, I have this general, head-in-a-vise kind of ache.

I was hoping that publically admitting this pain would alleviate some of its presence. It's not working. Let me now share a poem about my malaise.

My Teeth Hurt

My
My teeth
My teeth hurt
My teeth hurt me
Perhaps you've noticed
Maybe I will insult you
You could then punch me in the mouth
That would serve those stupid teeth right!
"Ha ha ha" I would cackle as I spit my teeth out one by one
Just like in the cartoons.
Come to think of it...
Maybe you could flatten me out with a steamroller while you're at it.
I am not sure what good that would do but for a moment
It took my mind off of my teeth
Which, by the way, are aching me.
"Fix them!" you shout at me as I stare back at you with dull eyes.
"Alas", I reply, "my dental coverage is exhausted."
"You are an idiot" you reply.
"What's that?" I say. "I couldn't hear you over the sound
Of my mouth screaming in agony over my teeth that hurt."

My teeth.
They hurt.
----------------------

Now that didn't help at all. In fact, I am now angrier because not only did I waste my own time typing that drivel, but I've wasted all five of my readers' time as well. Oh sure, I could have written about something more meaningful like the fact that 25% of my fellow town residents think they are special and can continue to water their crappy lawns during a mandatory water ban while us law abiding individuals abstain from watering. These same morons cut their lawn to crew cut length thinking that they are doing the smart thing in a drought. Hint: keep it long... it shades the roots and promotes deeper growth.

But enough of that drivel. My damn teeth hurt. If you have any compassion at all, please send me a check made out to me that I will apply to the "Get Tom's Teeth Fixed so he can obsess about some other stupid thing" fund and we'll get on with the show.

Until then... bite me.

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