What's Up With That?

by Tom Kuzeja - June 29, 1999

What's Up With That?

Water Ban

It must be nice to be part of the privileged class. To never have to worry about anything, including rules. When you don't like a rule, you just make up your own exception or hell, another rule that suits you. This is clearly evident in the town I live in where people are just choosing to ignore a mandatory, emergency water ban.

Why did the town institute the ban? Oh maybe because water levels are frighteningly low and some people are getting more blasts of air from their shower heads than they are water. But that's no reason to panic, right? I mean, people blow candles out on birthday cakes, right, so firefighters should look at bursts of air in their water hoses as a refreshing fire fighting option.

I see people washing their cars, I see people watering their lawns. The town allows hand watering of shrubs and plants but basically, if you have a sprinkler out, that's a no-no. There are fines if you are caught violating the ban but in my opinion, they're pretty wimpy. I think my water ban rules would be more effective.

Tom's Water Ban Rules

1. All violators will have their names and violations published in the local newspapers
2. Penalty for the First offense: $1000 fine and your children will be allowed to smash your sprinklers with hammers provided by the town
3. Penalty for the Second offense: $5000 fine and a public spanking with a dried out oak tree branch
4. Penalty for the Third offense: A big "W" will be branded on your ass. The scarlet letter signifies you are a water slut.
5. Penalty for the Fourth offense: Your neighbors will be given complimentary fireworks to use in your yard. Additionally, you will be denied all fire fighting services in the event of an untimely accident.

I have more ideas but this is at least a start.

People, guess what? Dried out lawns WILL COME BACK! I can hear the panic in the houses of the elite.

"Gregory! Have you seen the lawn? It's a ghastly brown!"

"My God, Samantha! Tell Buffy and Clayton to back their Sharper Image series Fisher Price plastic Sport Utility vehicle from behind our Eddie Bauer edition Ford Expedition so that I might back out of our three car garage and retrieve the L.L. Bean edition John Deere riding mower with leather seat and all wheel drive with digital cell phone and patented Hyper-link micro-fusion Mulchometer™ blade system. Only then will I be able to set the deluxe adjustable Slice-O-Meter™ cutting height to a quarter inch and save our lawn."

"Oh thank God I married you Gregory! Now, I'm off to Bloomingdales!"

While I'm at it, I hate the Sport Utility commercial that shows some vulnerable housewife driving in traffic as her voiceover says "I love sitting above the traffic in my Ford Crushenator SUV..." Hey lady, when you're stuck in a crowd at Bloomingdales waiting to get to the Estee Lauder counter for your face spackle, do you worry about seeing above the crowd? I've got a solution... get some circus stilts you clown.

Damn. I got all worked up there. Kinda makes me thirsty.

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