What's Up With That?

by Tom Kuzeja - September 2, 1999

What's Up With That?

Catching some Z's

I seem to be learning some tough lessons in life lately. One that's been plaguing me recently is the Law of Inverse Snooze Effect. Basically it states that the harder you try to catch up on your sleep, the less likely you are to achieve your goal. For the past three or four weeks, I have not gone to sleep before 1:00 AM, EDT. After awhile, that fatigue builds up in your bones and they start to ache.

Unfortunately, I find the time I am most prone to sleeping is around 2:30 PM. Usually it is quiet in the office. Back in "The Cave" where I work (we affectionately call it "The Cave" because there is no natural sunlight back there and we get to say funny things to each other like "Is that a stalactite in your pants or are you just happy to be here?" When you really think about it, there really aren't many occasions to use the word stalactite in a sentence so we relish the notion of using that word often. And indeed, the notion of actually being able to "relish" doing something... well, need I say more here? Doesn't that speaks for itself?)... damn, I am so tired that I lost my train of thought through that lengthy parenthetical sidetrack. Let me try this again.

Back in "The Cave" it gets quiet in the mid afternoon. The soft sound of my colleagues, snoring in their cubes, mixes with the gentle "tink tink" of various foreheads hitting computer monitors as people doze off. We can't help it really. At 2:30, we're all just meant to sleep, damn it! It is a battle to stay awake during this time. Oh sure, I could be like a bunch of people and nap in a stall in the men's room or sleep on the loading dock, but I value my health too much. No, to win the war against sleepiness, I often find that as a last resort, I must do some real work. As extreme as this might sound to some of my coworkers, I find that working keeps me alert. I also have managed to keep from shorting out a keyboard with my own drool in the past three or four months!

Another sleepy time for me unfortunately is around 6:00 PM while crusing on I-495 in the fast lane going past the I-290 exit ramp at about 75 MPH. Man, I can just about dose off when my piece of shit Malibu gets up to speed and I blow by everyone waiting to pull off onto I-290. Yikes! This is not good and usually always results in me pulling over so I can scrape off the "clinker" I just dropped in my drawers and continue home odor free. There's nothing like a near death experience to wake you up.

I know I have no one but myself to blame for my recent late hours. And lately work has been interesting which prevents me from catching up on my Z's like everyone else does around 2:30 PM. I have not achieved the Masters Level of snoozing. This skill is something to strive for. The true Z-Master can snooze successfully during meetings (we're talking in the presence of only 3 or 4 attendees!) and can sleep in two minute increments between the hours of 10:00 AM and 11:30 AM and 1:30 PM and 4:00 PM. Sure Z-masters develop a huge flat dent in the middle of their foreheads, but damn it, they can balance a warm cup of milk on it when their heads are snapped back. That's talent!

No, I am but a junior snoozer. But it's good to have goals. I'm gonna sleep my way to the top!

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