What's Up With That?

by Tom Kuzeja - September 20, 1999

What's Up With That?

I'm Gonna Be Rich

I've decided that the time is right to make a career change. It's clear to me that the only way I can make the kind of money that others seem to make and have the kind of professional freedom that I desire is to be my own boss. So be it. To that end I have decided to open auditions for my own, new, youth-oriented super group.

I'm thinking about two super groups actually; a four member boy group and a single young lady solo act. The boy group will be named something like "Boys 'n Berries" or "Just Like The Others" or "More of the Same" and they'll be more commonly known within the cool clique as "B'nB" or "JLTO" or "MOTS". Of course these kids will have to know how to dance and sing but I'll take care of the rest. I'll have the "cute and innocent" one, the "excellent singer", the one about whom everyone asks "what the hell does that kid do anyway?" and the infamous "bad boy". Along with the CDs and videos, I'll have posters, an animated Disney series, comic books, t-shirts, video games, lunchboxes, etc. with the group as centerpiece. They'll make totally awkward and unrelated appearances on shows like "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" and I will saturate mainstream America with their faces. You will not be able to distinguish their music from any of the other kid groups but believe me, your eight year old daughter will!

As for my female act, I'm thinking about someone who's 21 years old or older but who can be marketed as a 15 year old sensation. She needs to be very attractive and a good dancer. Of course she should have a penchant for belly shirts. She's got to have a catchy first name that ends with a "Y" and a last name that's short and sweet like "Bethany Jones" or "Felicity Hill". She must be ready for controversy so that when I leak stories to the press about her real age or her "rumored" breast implants, she's prepared to handle all the attention. Her singing can be mediocre... that's not what's going to make us money. She'll be on posters, etc. and I'll cross promote her with the Boys 'n Berries (or whatever I decide to call them). Together they'll both appear on some totally inappropriate show like "The Shania Twain Christmas in Guatemala" special

I'm almost done programming the cookie cutter career computational model (C4M) that I purchased from Disney at a discount. Seems they are cleaning house on their kid acts and wanted to sell some of their formula career software at cut rates. It's pretty easy to use. Plug in the demographic you want to super saturate and a couple other parameters and you get a simple to follow step by step guide for using young adults to make you rich.

So pretty much I have it all figured out. I just need some kids and about $10 million seed money and boom, I'm off. Hey, it could happen. Be on the lookout for one of my groups on the next Disney animated feature soundtrack... that's step nine on the recipe for success.

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