What's Up With That?
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Countdown
Well, here it is. The end of the year. We're
about to flip the ole odometer to 2000. Exciting isn't it? Yes,
indeed it is.
So what can I share with you on this momentous occasion
that will serve both as a moment of reflection on years gone by and as a
springboard toward the years ahead? Let me dig deep, deep down into
my heart and share with you some of the things I've learned in my short
time upon this nutty little planet we call home.
| 1. |
Always treat people with kindness and
respect. So true. This is a good rule to follow unless
of course you're talking about some disrespectful bastard who is
always mean to you in which case, this is a stupid rule. |
| 2. |
Never underestimate the value of
friendship. The going rate is around $150 and hour. |
| 3. |
When faced with a crisis, always remain
calm. Then whine a lot. |
| 4. |
Never ever ever ever be redundant or
ever ever ever exaggerate. This is something that I have told people
a million times and they always always listen to me and then applaud
always afterwards with clapping always. |
| 5. |
If you meet someone named Gaylord, take
the time to look them in the eyes, pat them on the shoulder and say
"I'm so sorry." |
| 6. |
Never ever swear at the Pope. He's
got that really big hook cane and can whack the hell out of you with
it. |
| 7. |
When presented with the opportunity to buy girl
scout cookies from someone in the office, just do it. Believe
me, you'll save yourself a lot of grief if you do. |
| 8. |
Apologize to everyone, for everything,
but do it sincerely. For example, "I'd like to take this
opportunity to apologize to anyone I ever dated in my
lifetime. I'm so sorry. And I mean that. But, hey,
what were you thinking?" |
| 9. |
No matter how much potpourri you have sprinkled
around your bathroom, liquid sickness brought on by the flu will
always win out. I recently reconfirmed this. Just leave
the window open. |
| 10. |
There's no place like home... and
everybody else's smells just a little different than yours
does. Why is that? I mean, it's not like you're hanging
out in your house sweating all over the place or making other
messes. I mean, if I cook a dinner in my house and you cook
one in yours, why does your house always smell different from mine
when I walk into the front hallway? Always. This
perplexes me. Let's carry this question over to the next
century because we haven't solved it yet. |
| 10A. |
Since Number 10, is a carryover, 10A is:
Always keep a dime in your pocket. It keeps you humble
("Brother can you spare a dime"), it's a connection to
home ("You're only a phone call away") and you can always
use it to scratch the hell out of a 27-layered SUV paint job. |
There it is... some truths from the 1900's all summed up
in a neat little package for you. God bless you all. May you
look away when the bright flash of light that precedes the firestorms goes
off. See you on the other side. I'll be the one apologizing to
everyone.
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