January 8, 2001
Tip Number One
By all means, what ever it takes, what ever you do, try not to catch the flu. If you can do this, then you should be all set.
Tip Number Two
If you didn't follow tip number one (and why didn't you? Wasn't it simple enough for you?) and happened to catch the flu, make the most of it. By this I mean you should act real cranky and all bossy and stuff. You may still have a fever and aches, but you'll get to vent a lot of the frustrations that you normally surpress. When loved ones confront you later on about your tyraids, say "that wasn't me, it was the Nyqil talking!"
Tip Number Three
TK's Night Time Formula. Screw the Nyqil. Seeing as its only claim to fame is that its alcohol content knocks you out, go straight for the hard stuff. I prescribe 4 to 8 shots of Zambucca. Mind you, don't do this if you have a stomach virus instead of the flu. On second thought, go for it.
Tip Number Four
What's with "catch the flu"? Catching a cold? Catch to me is an active verb. You catch a baseball. You catch a criminal. The criminal gets caught. I believe we should be saying "damn, I've been caught by the flu." Say this over and over while staring blankly at your pharmasist. Not only will you get to the front of the line, you may find a couple extra colorful pills in your prescription.
Tip Number Five
Sneeze on anyone who ever said "that last article you wrote was pretty lame". While you're at it, lick their coffee mug while they're not looking. That's what I do.
Tip Number Six
Try reverse psychology, by that I mean try to use the flu for something worthwhile. Naturally I mean the Guiness Book of World Records. See if you can get your fever up to 120 degrees or so. Call Guiness first though. It's difficult to dial the phone when your shaking with convulsions.
Well, these are but a few of my flu endurance tips. Hopefully you won't need them but you'll be glad you read this article if you're caught by the flu. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to find one of my critics... I feel a sneeze coming on.