Commentary by Tom Kuzeja May 9, 2007

Ok, it's been over 5 years since my last column so what's been bugging me you ask? Well, if you know me at all you know there is one thing I rarely talk about. No, not those "films" I made to pay the rent while in college. I'm talking about my days as a child actor and model. And the reason I never talk about these things is that I was just hoping to make some money selling a juicy tell-all novel. Oh, I mean it's because those are some painful days to remember.

It all started quite by accident. I was enjoying a delicious cold beverage at the soda fountain in the drugstore where my Uncle Wally worked. UW (as I like to call him) had just poured me a vanilla coke and I was enjoying this delectable concoction while sitting up at the counter. I remember everything but mostly I remember the cost of the soda (prices were so much lower back then)! Anyway, the soda cost me nothing because UW never charged me anything for anything which is something we laughed and laughed about years later after the drugstore had folder up shop and gone out of business. Anyway, I'm at the counter drinking my soda while my brother Jim was complaining that the gum prices for a 10 stick pack of gum had gone from 5 cents a pack to 7 cents a pack. Jim was calculating the cost per stick when I burped (rather loudly) on my soda. The place got really quiet and I was a bit embarrassed until Jim smacked me on the back of my head and all sorts of fizz started shooting out of my mouth, nostrils and eyes. We laughed and laughed and laughed. I was only 18 months old at the time.

Anyway, some Hollywood hot shot was in Holyoke that day looking for a location to shoot a TV show about kids having all sorts of fun in a 100 year old paper mill town. He saw my effervescent liquid fireworks and BINGO, I was signed to a contract on the spot.

That first show would prove to be a flop. It was called The Tickletown Tiny Tots and I of course had the role of Li'l Spitty. I pretty much had only four lines the whole first season and I still remember them to this day:

• "Hey, who wants to cock-a-doodle-do?!"
• "Light your own cigar, Grandpa!"
• "I'm not a-posed-ta [supposed to] eat anything green."
• "Oh oh.... I feel an explosion a comin'!"

As horrible as the ratings were for that first season, the producers decided to move the show from Holyoke back to Hollywood and press onward for a second season. This was a weird transition for me because being only 20 months old at the time, I could not get over how much more expensive things were in California and Jim was extremely busy calculating the cost differentials for everything we purchased.

The producers revamped the show and we debuted our second season under the title, The All New Tickletown Tiny Tots and Grampy Pockets Happy Hour. The show now featured much less of the Tickletown Town Hall Ticklers in favor of the wacky hi jinx provided by Grampy Pockets. Our ratings actually improved especially after the mid-season addition of the Solid Milk Chocolate Dancers, a bold interracial dance company of the 1960's whose presence on the set added to the credibility of the show. Time magazine even honored us with the now famous cover of me on Grampy Pocket's knee lighting his cigar. Unfortunately, controversy found us soon afterward.

Most people my age or older remember the next incident all too well. We had the rare privilege of performing a live show during the annual Children Are People, Too week in November of 1965. At around 12 minutes into the show, offstage, Grampy Pockets, who was obviously very excited to be performing live and also very unaware that there was a live microphone nearby, made lewd remarks to one of the Solid Milk Chocolate Dancers. While his comments weren't entirely audible, there was no question of what her reply of "No sir that is not a fly on my thigh and that thing you are holding is certainly NOT a fly swatter!" was referring to. Instinctively the cameramen turned to see what was going on and a humiliated Grampy Pockets tripped over his loosened trousers and broke his nose. My attempt to distract the cameras away from Pockets' bare behind by calling out "Oh oh... I feel an explosion a comin'!" only infused the situation. The production was shut down and we all had trouble finding more work.

I spent my downtime modeling and endorsing a variety of products. As most of you know already (especially you Trivial Pursuit enthusiasts!) it was during this time that I posed for the Gerber baby food people who used my face on each of their products' labels.

My acting hiatus didn't last long and I was approached to co-star in a new show, Maddy Mac and the Sloppy Jocks as Ferdinand, the incontinent pickle salesman's son. But I'll save that story for another time....